Everything Wrong With The Lion King
by VctrBnsn
Summary: This is an homage to the Youtube channel Cinemasins. This is how I imagine them tackling one of my favorite movies, The Lion King. Please note that this is a satire, and the jokes made don't always reflect my actual point of view.


Everything Wrong With the Lion King in However Long It Takes You to Read This Text

Spoilers

(duh)

All the animals get up as if the hear Lebo M singing. (ding!)

Based on this shot of Mt. Kilimanjaro, this movie takes place in either Kenya or Tanzania, basically somewhere in East Africa. Yet, we see meerkats, which only live in the Kalahari Desert, in South Arica. Made even more confusing that we have also have a mandrill, which only live in East Africa. East Africa, South Arica, West Arica. It's like making a movie about animals in in Yellowstone with an alligator and polar bear as supporting characters. Hey, they all live in North America. (ding!)

Yeah, bow down to your new prince. Just wait until they come down for brunch. (ding!)

Scar is a d**k to mice. Wouldn't do that if I were you, do you know who owns you? (ding!)

All the characters have names stemming from African words. Simba (lion), Mufasa (king), Nala (gift), so on. Then we get Scar. Oh, excuse me, TAKA! (books don't count). Oh yeah, (ding!).

Mufasa says that whatever the light touches, is their kingdom. That doesn't seem like a steady mark for political borders. (ding!)

Mufasa is the only male lion in his pride, much like in real life. So, who is Nala's father? The only conceivable answer would be that – UHHH GROSS! And there is a law that forces her and Simba to MARRY! No wonder Simba wants to change that! I would want to get rid of a law that's forcing me to marry my sister too! (ding!)

So, was Simba and Nala's plan to get rid of Zazu to cause an elaborate musical number hoping he would get lost in the fray? (ding!)

I remember that day I was on safari when I saw elephants dancing around a rhino balancing hippos, antelope, aardvarks, giraffes, ostriches, and lion cubs with a flock of flamingos flying around it in a choreographed fashion. (ding!)

This elephant graveyard seems a bit unnecessarily dramatic compared to how it would be in real life. Where's all this smoke coming from? Are those elephant or dinosaur skeletons?

This is Ed. He's special. (ding!)

So this is why Mufasa didn't want Simba in the Outlands. It's the ghetto. Wait, Mufasa is a bigot. (ding!)

Deus Ex Mufasa! (ding!)

Mufasa seems to forgive Simba pretty quickly for disobeying his orders and putting his friend in danger.

So, why exactly does Scar ally himself with the hyenas? It's implied they've known each other for at least a little while. How did they meet? What motives do they share? That's a story I want to know! (Given this site, I just have to search the archives for a little while to find something.) (ding!)

Scar likes to channel his inner Hitler. (ding!)

This volcano seems to erupt at the most dramatically convenient time. And no one dies from the noxious fumes. (ding!)

How are the wildebeests running down a cliff that slopes at a 90 degree angle without falling? (ding!)

Even though all the animals can communicate with each other, I guess politely asking the wildebeests to stop isn't an option. (ding!)

Mufasa dies. That is all. (ding!)

Scar tells a mourning kid that his father's death is all his fault. Friggin' Uncle of the Year! (ding!)

Shouldn't Zazu speak up that Scar knocked him into a FRICKING WALL as he claims ruler ship over the kingdom? Wasn't that a little bit suspicious? (ding!)

Timon and Pumbaa. (ding!)

Pumbaa means 'foolish' in Swahili. I think they gave the name to the wrong character. (ding!)

No one in Africa uses the term Hakuna Matata anymore because it has now become a cliché, kinda like how no one uses the Spider-Man web shooting gesture to say 'I love you' in sign language anymore. Thanks Disney! (ding!)

We have to wait nine years until we find out how Simba's teenage years were like. It wasn't worth it. (ding!)

So, why does the drought hit right when Scar becomes king? He couldn't control that, droughts happen. It's Africa. If Simba was king at this point, would that make him a lousy ruler? (ding!)

Simba got this big on a diet of bugs. (ding!)

Timon unknowingly gives away the twist in the Princess and the Frog. "They're fireflies stuck on that big blueish black thing." (ding!)

Timon insults Simba's religion. Oh yeah, I forgot, this is a monarchy. (ding!)

Rafiki finds out Simba is alive by smelling grass in the wind that carried Simba's scent from who knows how many miles away. Or is this some magic mumbo jumbo that the movie doesn't want to explain. (ding!)

Why is Rafiki the only character with an African accent? Didn't you guys dodge a bullet like this with King Louie in the Jungle Book too? Learn your lesson! We don't want another 'crows from Dumbo' incident. (ding!)

Nala doesn't kill Timon and Pumbaa. (ding!)

Pumbaa seems pretty forgiving to Nala, a dangerous predator who was planning to eat him. (ding!)

You know that song Elton Jon poured his heart and soul into to write, hoping it would become the greatest love song of all time? Let's have Timon and Pumbaa sing over it! (ding!)

Hmm, Nala seems to REALLY feel the love tonight. (ding!)

And thus Kiara was conceived. Ruined your childhood! (Or Kopa, depending on what side of the fandom you're on. Again, books don't count.) (ding!)

Rafiki sings a little school yard chant in Swahili. So, do the animals know human languages? I thought it was animal speak being translated via film. So, do they have a human language _within _an animal language? Language- inception! BWAAAAA! (ding!)

So, was Mufasa's ghost all in Simba's head or did he really appear? Rafiki seems to have seen it, but that's probably because he's crazy. (ding!)

Timon doesn't know Rafiki even though in 1 ½ Rafiki told him about Hakuna Matata. (Do DTV sequels count as continuity?) (ding!)

Simba runs through the desert as dramatically as possible. It's almost like he hears the Zulu chanting egging him on. No seriously. Its saying 'rule, Simba' in Zulu. Simba is a glory hog. (ding!)

How does Timon know about hula? (ding!)

Where did they get an apple in a drought? (ding!)

Do apples even grow in Africa? (ding!)

Sarabi is criminally underused in this movie. Just a fan complaint. (ding!)

Scar acts like a little kid now. Where was that delightfully evil antichrist we saw in the beginning of the movie? (ding!)

Why is everyone mistaking Simba for Mufasa? I know they think they're both dead, but does Mufasa really come to mind first? (ding!)

So, Simba decides to face his past knowing that's the only way to restore his honor. Too bad no one has his back when he does so. (ding!)

Why did Scar decide to tell Simba he killed Mufasa? Just to satisfy his overinflated ego? If he didn't do that he would have won. (ding!)

How exactly does Simba jump up from the cliff edge? In the previous shot he doesn't seem to have any footing. (ding!)

Deus Ex Rafiki! (ding!)

"They Call Me Mister Pig!" Yeah, kids will get that one. (ding!)

Scar is an old lion who looks obviously weaker than Simba. This fight should have been more one sided. I guess that's the pitfall of having your diet consist entirely of bugs. (ding!)

OK, so it rains right when Simba became King. What I it didn't? Would Simba be deemed a bad ruler too? And what if Simba never came and Scar stuck with his plan to stay at Pride Rock? It would have been the right decision. He would have been exalted. (ding!)

And so, the Circle of life continues, with the new ruler of the Pride Lands, Kopa, I mean Kiara, ah screw it. Fluffy.

Movie Sin Tally : 55

Sentence : Reading Lion King Fan Fiction.


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